Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
