I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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