OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
