I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
