So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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