What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
