It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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