Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
