At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
