ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
