I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Your penis caused this!
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