Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
