i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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