Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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