so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
