Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
