Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
