My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When are your genitals available?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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