Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
