8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am available for nakedness
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize