I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
