I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
