Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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