Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
