Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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