the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He felt like a one man threesome
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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