The maid of honor just puked.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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