Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
