I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you still have your period?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
