I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
