Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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