I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
