my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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