How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
