stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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