ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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