I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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