My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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