david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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