if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
