He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My vagina is very pro this idea
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
