i can't believe i had my finger in that
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
