4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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