i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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