he shaved USA in his pubs
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
