if only i could text you this smell
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just invented taco cereal.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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