.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
