Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
