My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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