I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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