I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
