Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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