god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
