Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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